Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
