WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
