those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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