return my video game
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Randomize
