My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
