I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Randomize
