i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
