Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
