I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
