i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
