it was like eating out sand paper
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
as a side note pls kill me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
