Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
