Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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