So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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