my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
