The maid of honor just puked.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
