Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
