Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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