Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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