you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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