i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
