I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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