just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
