WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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