actually, I'm a sock model
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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