I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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