so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
