I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Randomize
