I'm laying in your front yard are you home
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
