I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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