My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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