I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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