remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
you never un-have a 4some
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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