dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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