never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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