Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
