mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
