I can text with my tongue
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
