the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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