seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
