I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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