dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize