He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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