we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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