I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
