Your face is a jimmy john
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
