i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I need moral support for this bender
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
