My nipple is on Facebook.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
