You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
