my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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