She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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