I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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