I'm lost and stupid without you.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just invented taco cereal.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
