this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
