I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
