I wish my penis had an off switch
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
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