You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
