we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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