I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
