apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
