i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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