I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
