I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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