My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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